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For me, my research has never been about asking a bunch of ex-Mormons a list of questions so I could merely study their answers. My entire research has been framed around what to do next. How do we help people who have been through a faith crisis and/or faith transition? Throughout the MA SJHR program, my classmates and I have often discussed the frustration we feel because we know what the issues are and we know that solutions need to be found and implemented, but we do not hold the answers on what those solutions are or how to implement them. The answers do not come on a platter for us. Research and study are required, but that research should be used as a catalyst for change if it is to be truly meaningful. I conducted my research with the goal of creating a space for growth and discovery for ex-Mormons because I understand the difficulty of walking away from something that was once the very essence of one's identity.
Mormons often say "you can leave the Mormon Church, but you can't leave it alone" as if to say that ex-Mormons are incapable of moving on with their lives once they leave Mormonism. How does one leave something alone when it has been such an enormous part of their life - so enormous that it has shaped their entire identity? Mormonism is more than just a religion. It is a community that holds its own unique culture with a set of rules that often do not align with other cultures across the world.
Devout Mormons attend church for two hours (previously three hours until January 2019 (Reeser, 2018)), which does not include various Sunday meetings for bishoprics, ward councils, etc. They are expected to keep the sabbath day holy, which means avoiding certain activities like shopping or dining out on Sundays. Most members also hold callings, which are essentially jobs they do for the church without pay. These callings often require hours of their time monthly or even weekly. They do not choose their callings, but are instead asked to accept them at the direction of their bishop or other church authority. Devout Mormons give ten percent of their income to the church. They abstain from drinking alcohol, tea, and coffee and using nicotine and other controlled substances, otherwise known as keeping the Word of Wisdom. Temple-attending Mormons wear sacred undergarments that require members to cover their shoulders and their entire upper legs at all times with very few exceptions like swimming or exercising. The Church expects its members to refrain from engaging in vulgar language, entertaining impure thoughts, getting tattoos, getting piercings (except for one in each ear for women), watching R-rated movies, engaging in premarital sex, and having homosexual relationships. While not every member adheres to all of the guidance from church authorities, these are the expectations.
Considering all these rules, leaving the Church is no simple feat. Many ex-Mormons find themselves on a path to self-discovery and it can be hard to let go of their culture of the past. There can also be immense feelings of shame for walking away from rules that had determined their perceived favor with God. Some find themselves in mourning for the life they once had and others mourn for the life they wish they could have had if they not been Mormon.
Furthermore, the Mormon Church does not leave its inactive members or ex-members alone. People who stop attending are continuously fellowshipped by family, friends, missionaries, church leadership, and other active members. Moving away does not even prevent the Church from attempting to contact inactive members and bringing them back into activity. Ward Clerks, whose responsibilities include maintaining church membership records, have their own list of tactics to track down members who have moved and/or stopped attending. These tactics range from speaking with known family and friends to utilizing social media, Ancestry.com, and online databases (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, 2018). Those who want zero contact from anyone affiliated with the Church must send a formal resignation of their membership in writing either to Church Headquarters or their own bishop, but resigning has the potential to damage relationships with family and friends who remain members, so many people choose to remain on the rolls to keep the peace. Approximately 40 percent of respondents to my survey indicated that they had either officially resigned or were in the process of resigning.
These are all reasons why it is nearly impossible for ex-Mormons to "leave the Church alone." The journey beyond Mormonism can be a painful one, and many ex-Mormons need resources to help guide them through that pain. While my own experience certainly shaped my passion for helping fellow ex-Mormons, my own experiences do not represent the experiences of all ex-Mormons as a whole. For that reason, I asked research participants about their own journey and what they think is needed. My findings are below.
"The hardest part about leaving was having to tell everyone that I left Mormonism." - Survey Respondent
What was the hardest part of leaving?
The Mormon Church places a strong emphasis on eternal families, meaning that familes will still be together forever in the afterlife as long as every person keeps their covenants with God and makes it to the highest degree of heaven. Many Mormons find comfort in this because they love their families and want to remain with them forever. However, the caveat that all members of the family must be devout and loyal ot the teachings of the Mormon Church, can cause immense pain for those that leave or have loved ones who leave.
In my survey, 108 respondents answered the open-ended question, "What was the hardest part of leaving"? I coded their responses to fit different categories. The five most common categories are displayed here in this bar graph:
43 respondents expressed that the damage to their relationships was the hardest. The damage could be being disowned or shunned, losing friends, or just transitioning from close relationships to distant and awkward ones.
28 referenced difficulty with rebuilding their lives post Mormonism. This could include finding a new sense of purpose or identity, figuring out their own views surrounding sexuality and gender, building a new relationship with a higher power or abandoning the idea all together, embracing their own personal authority rather than a church authority, and shifting their views on how to parent their children.
22 discussed their feelings of shame and judgement from Mormon family and friends. Many expressed guilt for leaving and disappointing their parents and other family members.
21 respondents talked about the difficulty of losing their community and system of support that the Mormon Church does so well.
20 described deconstructing as the most difficult part. This included going through feelings of grief, anger, and betrayal, as well as discovering historical issues with the Church and coming to the conclusion that they no longer believed.
"When I look back and I think about all of the experiences and everything, it was definitely being part of a community that was the biggest draw for me. I love being part of a ward and interacting with other members and just feeling that connection." - Interview Participant
What do you miss most about being a Mormon?
As I have emphasized throughout my Capstone, leaving the Mormon Church can be a painful experience, and there are many reasons why one might feel hurt or even anger toward the Church. That isn't to say that the Mormon experience is all negative for everyone. Many are able to recognize positives about their membership.
In my survey, 108 respondents answered the open-ended question, "What do you miss most about being a Mormon"? I coded their responses to fit different categories, and the four most common are shown here in this graph:
73 respondents said they missed community and friendships within the Church.
19 said they missed nothing.
10 said they missed having a sense of certainty or blind faith.
9 said they missed the various activities the church provided.
"Everyone should take at least like a foundational crash course in philosophy and just basic epistemology." - Focus Group Participant
What kinds of resources are needed?
Leaving Mormonism often leads to a complete lifestyle change. Those changes could be as simple as spending Sundays outdoors or out with friends instead of at church or as complicated as figuring out one's belief in god. While individual experiences are unique, there are certain themes within those experiences that many Mormons share. Processing those experiences alone can feel daunting, and resources that assist ex-Mormons in their journey beyond Mormonism are helpful.
In my survey, 108 respondents answered the open-ended question, "What kinds of resources are needed"? I coded their responses to fit different categories, and the four most common are shown here in this graph:
48 said therapy, with many noting the importance of finding a therapist who understands Mormonism and the experience of leaving the high-demand religion.
32 said support groups, with some respondents noting the importance of online and others the importance of in-person.
29 expressed the need for a new community, considering they had left one that they previously found so beneficial in their lives.
13 said friends, outside of support groups and a new community. Many expressed the need to have someone to talk to and to share the journey outside Mormonism with.
For many, the issue is not that there are not resources available. The issue is access. Mental healthcare is often expensive and with long wait lists for care. Thanks to the internet, there are many online support groups that provide ex-Mormons with the sense of validation that they are seeking. The problem is that these groups are often facilitated by people whose only credential is that they too are no longer Mormon. One survey respondent noted that ex-Mormons "need science-based therapy by psychologists trained to treat trauma from high-demand groups and cults. They need science-based support groups with trained facilitators." The world is full of well-meaning people, but the chances of harms being committed increase when resources are not developed and/or facilitated by experts and trained professionals.
Finding a new community and developing new friendships can also prove to be a challenge for ex-Mormons. One interview participant's piece of advice for ex-Mormons is to "be super proactive in making your own community or finding that new place where you have to fit so that it doesn't just feel like you've literally lost everything."
"Mormonism did community really well." - Interview Participant
Next Steps
This is only the beginning of my findings from my research. I plan to continue pulling information from the data and publishing it at a later date. Please watch this site for more information regarding future publications. As I continue to analyze and code the data, I also plan to:
Build a website with links to resources that can assist ex-Mormons through a faith transition and beyond.
Establish and share a list of mental health providers with experience counseling those who have been through faith crises and faith transitions.
Create an online support group with the possibility of branching out to in-person groups.
Host online and in-person seminars with classes tailored to expessed needs in research findings.
If you have questions about my research or would like to get involved in building community and resources, contact me at jzechlin@asu.edu.
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